Beer is for breakfast around here...

Pro women bike racers get the freakin' shaft from a mechanical standpoint. Every year droves of femme-powerhouses line up with the most hosed down death-traps to ever grace the peloton. A couple of years ago a girl came in with a headset issue. I literally don't know how she got it to the bike shop without breaking the frame. They were drop in campy style bearings, and the preload was SO loose, that i think the bearings might have been shook loose from their in frame races. No kidding. Last year due to some savvy negotiating by a mechanic, i glued about 8 sets of tubulars for a women's team, and the glue job that had been done previously, was insane. The ease of removal of said tires reminded me of this little ditty.
(sorry for the pause for corporate mind raping)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Pulling Teeth
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I BARELY pulled. Every year they are so appreciative. So appreciative that they bring bottle after bottle, case after case, growler after growler of everybody's favorite liquid: Beer.

Now, i know what you're thinking; 10 out of 9 mechanics love to receive an oat soda in return for for their mechanical prowess. Now that is pre-supposing that a mechanic likes the taste of beer. Now on that, i cannot argue, as i have yet to find an exception to the rule, including yours truly. However, being as if the taste of beer is accompanied by alcohol, it unleashes a ferrous, stark-raving animal that lurks in a black, normally ignored corner of my otherwise shiny and happy soul, i think everybody would agree it is best to let well enough alone, and just leave me dry. I'm a fast and loose unruly asshole as it is, you wanna add alcohol to that equation? That's what i thought.

So here's the thing, i'm thinking i wanna start making the standard bartering chip for bike mechanic's expertise something that i have been thinking is long overdue to get big among our ranks: Heroin.

Now hear me out. Everybody drinks beer. Especially bike mechanics. Even those who end up punting the job and send someone careening into the curb because the silicone polish on their braking surface actually made them accelerate when they applied the brakes. Even that dude gets beer. I seen it happen. So if i do an extra special job on your rig and you end up with a bucket of dates to show for your 25th lap sprint preem, wouldn't you agree i deserve something with a little more kick? Lou Reed seemed to enjoy the stuff immensely, and i am a huge Lou Reed fan.

Heroin bike racers, heroin. Where are you supposed to get ahold of this stuff? Your problem, not mine. My problem is "Perfect Day" on repeat with what i would imagine amounts to about a tenth of the potential understanding for the melody and lyrics. On heroin that song blows my mind. Guarantee it. Having said that, here's a glimpse of what you'd have on your hands if i had about a half a beer in my tummy. What can i say? I'm a cheap date.